Besides the boredom and the inability to do much to entertain myself, I've been confronted with 2 big blows to my spirit:
- The first blow was from the most basic relationship most people have, and this parental relationship, on which I counted for endless non conditional love and emotional support has failed me in the worst possible way. No, she hasn't died on me, thanks god. She just went off and left me, and hadn't spoken to me in almost a week now. nou ja. I shouldn't dwell on this longer. I have a cancer to take care of. I've just learned another lesson in life which i'm not sure what's its purpose, and why must i learn it now of all the last 39 years of my life
But on the other hand — having cancer puts you under trial. Mainly, I think, it's you against your bottom line.
You learn to confront your bottom line and your relationships with your environment and with your self and old and non beneficial relationships are fading out to make place to new ones that are what you need in order to heal.
i cannot take the role of the 'responsible adult' with the people whom role it actually is, and always had been. i need to care only for me. Anyone that cannot support me on this task — can't take part in my healing process.
The only choices I am willing to make at this moment, are on the level of "in which hand I want the infusion done".
- The second blow are thoughts of death. These come when you least expect them. and they are so scary. Looking at trivial things around you, like the curtain of your bedroom, or the rooftops of the buildings across the street and thinking this is the very last time you're looking at them... depressing. I must check if any of my medications contradict the happy pills I'm taking... can't afford death wishes at this stage, can I?
I can't go out for long time. I get awfully tired after around 200 meters of slow walk. All I can do is sit at home... maybe I need to replace the hideous curtain in my bedroom. This should cheer me up, right?
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